


isolation - a klance fic

by mcnugnugs



Category: Voltron - Fandom, klance - Fandom, vld - Fandom, voltron the legendary defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Completed, Depressed Lance, Depression, Homesick, Langst, M/M, Panic Attacks, anxious lance, cisgender pidge, depression lance, homesick Lance, just let lance be happy, klangst, short fic, so much langst omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 14:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12278112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcnugnugs/pseuds/mcnugnugs
Summary: lance missed earth, he missed his mothers hugs, he missed the glow in the dark stars on his roof,he missed the feeling of belonging.but sometimes the feeling of isolation in space can become so overpowering it can be repressed no longer.aka pidge builds a machine that lets you go through all your memories on earth and lance gets homesick





	1. chap 1

**Author's Note:**

> !!trigger warning!!  
>  this story does have (many) descriptions of panic attacks and highly anxious thoughts. if you do not cope well with these, i highly suggest that you don’t read this. 
> 
> other than that, enjoy this shitty fic!!

his eyes trailed across each star, mesmerised by how big space was. each star was a million times bigger than him, yet they looked like tiny specks of dust amidst the dark atmosphere. he tapped his fingers on the metal step next to him, playing the beat of a song he loved back on earth.

_earth_

earth was billions of miles away, further than any of  the specks of dusts that claimed to be stars. earth, the planet that seemed so big when he was young, was now not even a grain of sand in his line of view.

he remembered staring at his ceiling as a child, counting each glow in the dark star planted on his roof whilst pretending that he was an astronaut floating in space. he remembered begging his mum to make him an astronaut costume _every_ halloween. he remembered being so damn excited when he finally got that letter saying he was accepted into the garrison, realising that his dream of being an astronaut was closer than he thought.

he wondered what his 7 year old self would think of him now. technically, he was the astronaut he always dreamed to be, but what his 7 year old self didn’t realise were the tsunamis of homesickness that accompanied the job. they didn’t realise how lonely you felt amidst the tiny specks of stars. they didn’t realise that space could never be the home earth was. all lance wanted was to go home and see his family, even if it was only for a second. he wanted to tell them he was okay and they could stop worrying about his sudden disappearance. he wanted to go and see his older sister get married. he wanted to watch his little brother graduate. he wanted to hug his mother again, just one more time. no matter how many times he sat in that same spot staring at the same stars, different memories always flooded back.

he stood up slowly, bringing his palm onto the glass window. a sigh left his mouth, a single tear fell down his freckled cheek.

“mamá” he whispered, slowly turning away from the window. he hung his head low as he started to walk out of the room, whistling softly to try and heighten his mood. but his leg hooked onto some box, causing his lanky body to fall abruptly. he grimaced at the pain, a string of spanish swear words fallowing out of his mouth. he looked up and saw pidge simply sitting there unfazed.

“pidge what the fuck.” he said, only receiving no acknowledgement that he’d even spoken to her.

“pidge.” he repeated, waving his hands infront of her face. she stayed put, her legs crossed and her eyes shut. he noticed a small, green headset on her head, which was probably the cause of her lack of responses. reaching over, he ripped the headset off of her, not thinking of the consequences of his action.

“lance what the flying fuck you noodle haired prick.” she spat out.

“your box hurt me.” he complained, pointing to the metal box.

“then you should’ve been looking where you were going.” if lance looked at pidge closely, he could’ve sworn he saw tears in her eyes.

“are you okay?” he asked, his voice suddenly sincere. she only looked away in reply, taking in a big breath.

“i just miss home.” her head turned towards the stars, her hands playing with the hem of her shirt. they both sat in silence, homesickness washing over the both of them.

“so what’s this thing.” lance mumbled, pointing at the box  

“well,” she sighed, adjusting her glasses. “based on the fact that allura can talk to her father through her memories and even go into altea, i thought that maybe altean energy could be used to go through your own memories like a simulation.”

“wait,” lance took a step forward, burrowing his eyebrows. “you’re saying that if i put on that head thing then i can just waltz through my memories of earth?”

“basically.” lance jumped for the headset, falling on pidge in the process. she looked at him, handing him her headset.

“so when you’re in there, think of the memory and it’ll just show up.” she explained, pressing buttons on the box in preparation for lances experience. “and in the middle of the ‘simulation’ as some migor call it, is the box. to get out just press the button.” the intructions flew through his brain. he just wanted to start, no one cared about the manual anyway.

 

pidge was the first to disappear. then the room started to morph into shapes and colours he’d never thought to exist. the walls surrounding him seemed to drop, the blackness of space transforming into grey clouds covering a dusty sky. he was sure pidge was saying something to him, but the low hum of the transformation seemed to block out the dialogue.

suddenly he was sitting on the grass, fingers tangled through the uneven tufts. he took in a sharp intake of breath as he looked up. his vision blurred as tears formed in his eyes. laughter filled his ears, a sound he realised he’d always taken for granted. unsure of how his legs didn’t crumble from the sudden hit of longing for the group of people standing infront of him, he ran towards the group. without thinking. he threw his arms around his father, only for them to fall through his body. his legs lost balance as his arms fell, causing his entire body to fall onto the grass. heavy and laboured breaths fell out of his mouth as the yearn for his family grew bigger than it had ever been. he looked up, noticing the way his mother laughed, the way his sisters hair turned bronze in the sunlight, how his sister’s eyes lit up every time she smiled.

“mamá” he whispered, reaching out to grab her hand even though he knew it would be useless. but even though he knew he wouldn’t even feel her skin as his hand fell through hers instantaneously, disappointment still rose inside of him.

the memory slowly faded away as the clouds grew darker and he was suddenly propped up against a telegraph pole. his family were gone, the only member left being lance himself. lance watched as the memory of him walked over to a park bench, slowly sitting himself down. his body jolted as he felt something fall onto his shoulder. and again. and again. he looked up to the sky, realisation hitting him instantly.

_rain_

rain. the one thing he missed the most, other than his family. he missed the way it was so furious at times but yet still so calming. he missed the sound it made when it danced on the roof of his car while his mother insisted on driving him everywhere, even though he’d had his license for two years. he missed the way it seemed to blur each moment, just enough to submerge himself.

he held his hand out, closing his eyes as he felt each drop fall onto his hand. he thought about all the times he’d just stopped at stared at each droplet running down the window. he thought about each time he lay in bed listening to the rhythmical pattering when he couldn’t sleep. he thought about how good the rain felt against his body as he ran home from school.

suddenly the drops disappeared. keeping his eyes closed, he rubbed his fingers together, taking in a sharp intake of breath as he suddenly realised that his hands weren’t wet from the rainfall, but completely dry. his eyes snapped open, suddenly tearing up once again as he was no longer leaning against the telegraph pole, but sitting in the observation deck next to pidge.

“i’m sorry.” she said, “but i had to end it.” anger suddenly ran through lance’s veins. how could she? he obviously missed earth. he needed to be with his family. he needed to go through every memory he ever had. he clenched his fists, trying to suppress the words forcing themselves out of his mouth.

“they need voltron.” she mumbled as she stood up, understanding of lances need for his family. he knew he needed to rise, he knew he needed to get to blue. but the stars outside the window seemed to pull him in. he couldn’t move. he could only watch the specks of dust shine against the black sheet.


	2. chap 2

* * *

his body slumped as he dragged his body into the room. multiple times the team had failed to form voltron due to the waves of homesickness that seemed to encase lance. each time a paladin snapped at him only pushed the boy closer to the edge of his temper, but keith was the one that eventually pushed lance to the edge. keith was the one member of the group lance thought got him, he thought that keith and him could maybe even be friends.

except lance was stupid and continuously claimed to hate the boy.

he thought that maybe keith thought that too.

but when the boy snapped, it proved that no one liked lance. it proved that no one wanted a seventh wheel with them. it proved that unlike the others, lance shouldn’t hold a place as the blue paladin.

———

lance slowly lowered himself onto his bed, taking off his jacket in the process. rubbing his fingers along the fabric, tears formed as he remembered how he got the jacket. he remembered the look of annoyance his brother wore every time lance somehow stole the jumper, insisting that he had to wear it because it was a jumper for astronauts, and lance was in fact an astronaut. he remembered when he got accepted into the garrison and his brother gave him the jacket, telling him that he needed it for his space adventures. he remembered wearing it to bed every night at the school because it reminded him of home.

 

lances thoughts were stopped by the whoosh of his door opening. he winced as he noticed who stood in his doorway.

_keith_

even though what keith said before was minor, probably not even meant to hurt lance, it still hurt badly. the fact that it was so sudden made it hurt ever so more as lance realised that it was what keith _really_ thought of him.

“what.” lance mumbled, trying to subtly wipe away his tears.

“training.” was all keith said before he turned away. lance sniffled as he got up, dread overcoming him at the thought of going back out to the others. he knew they would only snap at him again, but then again, who wouldn’t want to after being stuck him. sighing, he stood up, staring at his reflection in the mirror placed infront of him. freckles splattered around his nose, enhancing the blue in his eyes in a weird way. he remembered his mother telling him how they all formed constellations when he was younger. he remembered how his older sister used to compare his eyes to the ocean whenever he would cry because the kids at school called the blue ugly. he remembered how his father used to ruffle his hair in an attempt to neaten the mop before he head off to school.

he closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to block out the memories, clenching his fists by his side. exhaling slowly, he walked out the door, praying that he would be calm enough to get through one training session.

———

he was the first to go, not even lasting a minute. the simulation bot came running towards him, but lance was so busy concentrating on how not to make the others angry that he completely missed it. he waited patiently for the others to come through, but it was a solid fifteen minutes until pidge and hunk eventually went next. they didn’t even try to talk to him.

_shows how much they care_

 keith and shiro turned up another five minutes later, both congratulating each other. lance grimaced at how they could be so happy. they were billions of miles away from their families, they had to be at least a bit sad right?

“what happened in there lance?” shiro asked, wiping his forehead with a towel.

“nothing.” lance mumbled, playing with his hands.

“are you sure?” keith started, “because, like, no offence, but you sucked.” the remark caused laughter to arise from everyone but lance. he felt no feelings but anger, burning, hot anger towards keith. how could keith say something like that? how could he just put lance down like that? how could he just blatantly state something lance was so heavily self conscious about? lance clenched his fists, his knuckles turning white. he wanted to punch keith, he wanted to make him feel some pain. he furrowed his eyebrows, thinking of the ways he could hurt keith.

“you know what keith?” he spluttered, regretting each word as it poured out of his mouth. “maybe your mum gave you up because you’re an insolent little shit that doesn’t deserve to be loved.”

the room fell silent, everyone’s jaw dropping open. shiro stepped forward, ready to talk some sense into lance, but lance only turned his back and walked away.


	3. chap 3

 

the oxygen in the room seemed to suffocate lance. each breath only brought more thoughts flooding in. 

 

_why would you say something like that?_

_stupid._

_no wonder no one likes you._

_you’re a fucking idiot lance._

_not even keith will be your friend now._

_stupid._

_you really fucked it up now lance._

_stupid._

_if you were meant to be a paladin you wouldn’t say shit like that._

_stupid. stupid. stupid._

 

he slapped the side of his head in an attempt to push the thoughts away.

again.

and again.

his breaths quickened, suddenly turning into hyperventilation. gripping his hair, his body fell into a fetal position, slowly rocking back and forth. 

 

_stupid. stupid. stupid._

 

he wanted to yell out in defence, but he only let a small whimper escape his mouth in fear that the others would hear. tears fell from his eyes as the thoughts grew louder, more menacing. his cheeks started to vibrate due to the deep hyperventilation, causing his hands to grip his hair even harder. 

 

_no one wanted you to be a paladin_. 

 

he thought of the way pidge and hunk left him out of everything now. he thought of how keith and shiro were apparently best buddies. he thought of how he always felt so lonely even in the dining hall full of his supposedly best friends. 

 

all he wanted was to be home and in his mother’s arms. he wanted to listen to her soothing voice as she sung old spanish songs. he wanted to feel her fingers combing through his hair. 

 

he wanted to go back to earth.

 

 

——

 

somewhere during the night, the tears faded as sleep dragged lance away. in his dreams, the paladins wished him a happy birthday and assured him he was, in fact, the team sharpshooter. then keith planted a peck on lances cheek.

 

he hadn’t even realised his birthday had passed until the next morning. dread overcame him as the horrible realisation that every single person had completely forgotten lances birthday seeped in.

 

_you never deserved it anyway_

 

as uncomfortable as the floor was, lance could not pry himself off. it was as if he was pinned down by a wet towel. he didn’t mind laying there forever, it wasn’t like the others would miss him. they wouldn’t notice the empty space at breakfast.

 

_who would?_

 

last nights memories came back, only adding to the sinking feeling his body had acquired. he remembered the way his body shook as his hands gripped his hair. he remembered the recurring memories of every time he had failed. he remembered not being able to control the way his mind seemed to turn against him. 

 

that's when he remembered pidge's machine. 

 

he remembered how he could smell the sea salt in the air. he remembered how he could watch his mothers face light up as she watched her children. 

he remembered escaping the loneliness of space. 

 

how ironic, the one place he’d always wanted disappear to was no the one place he wanted to disappear from. 

 

 

———

 

the memories warmed him. they pulled his body into a void he’d never seem to pull out of, a void he would’ve happily stayed in forever. in the short term, the memories comforted him and told him that everything was how it should be. but in the long term, the homesickness only grew and he quickly became irritable, making the formation of voltron increasingly difficult. it was hard to focus on the formation when the only emotion anyone could feel was the anger radiating off lances body. 

 

but did lance know this was happening? of course not. he was too busy wrapped up in the memories of his mother, each day becoming harder to be away from home. 

 

maybe that’s why lance snapped at pidge when she lifted the headpiece off lances head. out of all the paladins, she seemed to handle lance’s episodes quite well. maybe it was due to the bullying she received during her schooling. maybe she just wanted him to see the bigger picture. 

 

“you fucking gremlin,” he growled, eyes full of bad intentions. pidge should have been intimidated, anyone would’ve been, but strangely, she laughed.  

“gremlin? is that really the worst you’ve got?” she held out her hand, offering to help the boy stand up. instead, he pushed past her, making sure to hit her shoulder with his on his way out.  he didn’t want to go back to his room. he didn’t want to see the giant window that reminded him of home on the observatory deck. he didn’t want to see anything. he ran a shaky hand through his dark hair, exhaling deeply as he fell against the wall. how couldn’t he see pidge only wanted to help? 

 

_stupid. stupid. stupid._

 

his body slid onto the floor, his hands stuck in his hair. 

 

“mamá, mamá, mamá,” he whispered repeatedly, hoping that the chant would somehow bring her to him. 

 

“at least you’ve got a fucking family to miss.” lance glanced up at the voice, his vision blurry from tears. 

 

keith. of course. 

 

their eyes lingered on one another for a second, both too caught up in their own feelings to recognise the effect of their words on one another. lance opened his mouth to apologise but was cut short by keith storming away from him. 

 

he stayed like that for a while, eyes red and puffy from the consistent crying. 

 

_not even keith likes you. you really messed up this time. go lance._

 

an even heavier weight drooped on his shoulders, none of this ever happened back on earth. ever. he never let his feelings take over, let alone blind him. he never wanted to turn into a bully. 

 

he needed to make this right, he needed to get over his stupid and insignificant feelings. it wasn’t like he was the only one dealing with this. everyone got homesick. why did he think that he was any special?

 

 

 

 


	4. chap 4

it came again that night. not as severe, but it was still there.

 

but this time it came through his dreams. when he woke up, the plaguing sense of loneliness washed over him yet again. he despised the fact that all he had to hold onto where memories. he didn’t want to settle with old memories, he wanted to create new ones, constantly. 

 

right now, his mother was probably sitting in her chair, staring out at the street. knowing her, she’s probably been like that since the day he left, waiting for him. lance imagined his siblings trying to shake her out of it, but never being able to no matter how hard they tried. 

“espera que llegue a casa.” she would whisper, barely moving her gaze onto them. then they would all slump back into their respectable rooms, the memory of their brother playing on repeat. 

 

 

or maybe they didn’t care. maybe they even celebrated his disappearance. 

“we won’t have to pay the garrison fees anymore.” his father would exclaim 

“i won’t have to share a room with him.” his brother would say

“i won’t have to listen to him whining anymore.” his sister would say, followed by a laugh from the group. 

maybe they didn’t miss him one bit. 

 

and that’s what made lance sadder. 

 

the thought that they could’ve brushed his disappearance off so easily cut deeper than any knife could. 

 

 

_no one ever cared about you._

_you’re a failure._

_what’s there to miss? your complaining? your messy habits? your annoying phrases?_

he knew he needed to push the thoughts away, but part of him didn’t want to, which was weird, considering they only tore down his mood considerably. maybe this was why no one ever liked him. 

 

—

 

despite the recurring memories of home, the words lance yelled at keith seemed to tangle their way in with everything that circulated through his mind. as he played back the memory, he recognised the hurt in keith’s eyes, but only for a second as his stupid self decided to walk away. 

 

but it was clear, he needed to apologise. 

 

for the first time in a couple days, lance showed up to breakfast. he was only payed back with annoyed glances from the rest of the crew, except for keith, but that was understandable as he didn’t show up during the meal. 

 

he wasn’t there during training either. 

 

lance tried to ask pidge details on his whereabouts, but even she locked him out. 

 

“hunk?” he called, only to receive a harsh ignorance. “hunk, please, tell me where keith is. i need to apologise.” the boy turned his head slightly, the only indication that any of the paladins had heard him that day. 

“you hurt him, you know that?” hunk mumbled, his eyes looking at the ground. lance nodded meekly in response, the weight of his words at keith coming back to him. 

“please,” lance whispered, his voice cracking slightly. refusing to say more than the six words he spoke before, he only pointed in the direction of keiths room.

 

he didn’t know what he was going to say, he didn’t even know if he’d survive a conversation, considering the kid has a fucking knife collection. 

but lance did know that he needed to work this out, and he sure was going to try. 


	5. chap 5

 

**-keiths pov-**

 

he snarled at his reflection as he walked past the window, angry at anything he could get his hands on, which just happened to be himself. only one word ran through his mind.

 

_lance_

 

he didn’t care what that boy was going through at the moment. whatever it was, it didn’t give him the right to say what he said to him. 

 

ever since they’d found the blue lion, lance always happened to be blaming keith for something. it was a wonder they were ever able to form voltron, considering lances utter hate towards keith. 

 

what a fool keith was to think he’d escaped ever seeing that cuban boy again after he'd dropped out of the garrison. 

 

—

 

keith slammed the button to open his door, desperate to just sit down and think. he mumbled incoherent insults about lance while watching the floor. 

 

 

“keith,” a quiet voice started. keiths head shot up to meet the speakers eyes. 

 

 

lance. of course. 

 

 

“what the fuck do you want.” keith snarled, contemplating whether or not he should bring his knife out. ever since lances words, the memory had played itself on repeat, but now it was louder and nearly unbearable. lance stood up from his place in keiths bed, his eyes avoiding keiths. his hands hung deep in his pockets, his posture weary. 

 

“i just wanted to apologise.” he mumbled. keith watched the way his eyes slowly became glassy, it was obvious lance was trying to hide imminent tears. in that moment, keith wanted to forgive him, but he knew that lance would only go back to making fun of him. 

 

keith wanted to be friends. he wanted to laugh along with his jokes and go on adventures. he wanted to hold lances hand. but mostly, somehow, he wanted find a home in lance. 

 

but of course, in the most platonic way. there was no way in hell keith kogane would be with lance mcclain. 

 

“for what?” keith mumbled, resting against a wall. 

“what i said earlier,” the other boy said, his voice cracking slightly. 

“mhm”

“what?”

“that’s all?”

 

a weight accompanied the silence that fell over the two paladins, neither of them initiating eye contact. keith pushed his body off the wall, turning his body away from lance as he started to walk out the door. 

“keith-“ lance grabbed the boys jacket, stopping him in his tracks. 

“lance, you hurt me a lot.” it was barely a whisper, but it was there. 

“i know.” 

 

more silence

 

“i’m really, really sorry.” lance kept his head hung low. 

“what will apologising do? make you feel better? right. i forgot. because you’re the one all the insults are aimed at. you’re the one that’s never had a ‘family’ that’s stuck around for more than a year. you’re the one that’s been an outcast and a dropout all their life, and that’s all you’re going to be.” keith exhaled deeply, suddenly out of breath. “lance, i understand you miss your family, but think of the others. pidges mum? all her children and her husband are both missing. imagine how she would feel. hunks parents? imagine how they’re feeling without their only child around. shiro? imagine how his father is coping. lance, you’re not the only fucking one. stop acting like it.” keith eyes travelled up to lances, only to find lance staring right at him with those puppy dog eyes. 

“you’re right,” lance started to walk out of the room, “i should just stop everything.” 

“lance, that’s not what i mean.”

“but everyone thinks it, don’t they.”

“it’s just a rough patch, it’ll pass”

 

despite keiths brain telling him to kick the boy out his room, he smiled. only slightly, but he smiled. lance looked up for second and smiled back, but the smile was a sad smile, a forced smile. a smile used to cover up the thoughts running though his head. 

“and lance?” keith cleared his throat, “don’t worry about it, it’s okay.”

 

it wasn’t okay, it still fucking hurt. lance was the one guy keith thought he could really bond with. and what did lance do? he did the one thing you never do. he made fun of the fucking orphan. as if he didn’t realise that keith had been through enough and he needed just another person to leave him. maybe he should give him another chance, he did seem truly sorry. 

 

if it wasn’t for the platonic butterflies the boy’s eyes sent through his stomach, keith didn't know if he ever would’ve accepted lances apology. 

 

—

 

when keith was placed in his third foster home, his carers insisted on placing him in guitar lessons. for the next six months, the boy worked his ass off on those skills in hope it would impress  them, but it didn’t stop them chucking him back in the system when they finally conceived a child. although, his music teacher recognised his talent and furthered keiths knowledge on the guitar. well, until he was dumped with another carer and had to move states. still, even without a guitar he was determined to comtinue his musical career. he wouldn’t tell anyone about the songs he wrote. never. 

 

the observation deck was the one place that seemed to provide the most inspiration for keith. maybe it was the vast space holding an even bigger silence. maybe it was the way it displayed more stars than he could possible imagine. maybe the feeling of isolation in the room just seemed, normal. 

 

he’d wandered the halls of the ship many, many times. so many that he was sure he’d found pathways to each room none of the other paladins would know. he took an intake of breach as he opened the door, ready for the somehow fresher air to clear his mind. 

 

but his steps were cut short by the soft sobs of a brown haired boy wearing a weird headset. keith would’ve left, except that lance looked so, helpless. he looked as if he was locked inside his mind, unable to escape the deadly power of his brain. his body shook with every sob, each one seeming like a jolt of electricity coursing through his veins. his cheeks were damp from a mixture of sweat and tears, his nose dripping with mucus. 

 

“lance,” keith whispered, gaining no reply from the boy. he continued to progressively yell the boy’s name, eventually ripping off the headset when he realised there was no point screaming the name.

“lance,” he repeated. the cuban boy looked up at him. his eyes were scarily bloodshot, his whole body drooping from the melancholy. even though keith had pulled whatever was causing lance to cry away, the tears still seemed to flow heavily.

“what’s wrong,” keith was whispering, knowing that any rise in his voice would cause lance’s emotions to become even more unstable. lance opened his mouth, preparing himself to tell keith, but only small stutters were able to fall before he started to choke up with tears again. the constant opening and closing of lances mouth caused hyperventilation, his initial crying now slowly forming into a panic attack. the boy tugged at his hair, his body starting to rock back and forth.  

keith didn’t know what to do. he’d always been bad at comforting people, let alone helping them calm down from a full blown panic attack. 

“lance!” he yelled, hoping it would bring the boy back, but the boy wouldn’t stop. he placed his hand on lance’s shoulder, looking up at his face. lance stayed staring at the ground, his crying becoming worse every second. keith wanted to help him. he really, really did. but how? how the hell were you supposed to calm someone down from this? when keith felt these extreme emotions, he simply just stormed off or played with his knife. he never turned into this. 

 

so he did the only thing he could think of. 

 

he took a quick intake of breath and threw his arms around lances shoulders, cradling the boy in his arms. he let lance rock into his body, he let him cry into his shoulder, he let his snot fall onto his jacket. he just let lance do what he was doing.

 

eventually, the extremely heavy breaths stopped, his state now reduced to the gradual  falling of tears. keith still had his arms wrapped around the boy, unsure of how much he had helped lance overcome the attack. 

“thankyou,” lance whispered, his head still buried in keiths shoulder. keith let go of the boy slowly, smiling in response to lance. 

“what uh,” keith mumbled, “what um, what made you so sad?”  

lances eyes looked away from his, eyebrows furrowing. 

“it’s nothing special, everyone has to deal with it.” he mumbled. 

it was then keith realised that unlike the others, it was much harder for lance to cope with the waves of homesickness. very rarely would you see the others unable to repress it. they all tried to stay positive. but lance? lance got so homesick that he couldn’t repress it any longer. he got so homesick it gave him full blown panic attacks. 

keith remembered what he said earlier to lance. he didn’t know how bad it was for lance. he didn’t know how much it affected him. 

it still didn’t give lance the right to say those insults though.

 

“lance, im sorry.” keith looked away, “i didn’t understand-“

“it’s fine, i said some bad things. i just have to repress the homesickness.”

“that’s the thing, you can’t. you’ve repressed it so much you can’t repress it any further. the more you try to pack it down, the harder the breakdown is.”

lance looked up at keith. his mouth didn’t open to reply, but his eyes showed how thankful he was for keiths words. 

the room turned silent. keith took this as his cue to leave. 

“keith,” lance spoke out just as keith decided to take a step. keith turned around to face him, only to see that he was holding out a second headset. “i’ll show you.”

 


	6. chap 6

**-keiths pov-**

 

one moment they were on the observation deck, the next they were at a park. but this park didn’t have swings for children to play on or paths for people to run on. 

 

this park had tombstones sticking out of the ground and people crying everywhere. 

 

lance was looking away from the scene, kicking a pebble with his foot in an effort to distract himself. keith looked over and spotted another lance, but this lance was dressed head to toe in a black suit, his eyes red and puffy from tears. he had one arm on his mothers shoulder while she cried into his chest. you could tell that he was telling himself to be strong, but it was evident that it wasn’t working. 

 

“who-“ keith started, turning to lance 

“my sister.” lance sat on the grass, proceeding to pull out tufts of the lawn. “she was five, hit by some drunk dude and died instantly.”

“i’m sorry,”

“don’t apologise. it wasn’t your fault.”

 

the boy stood up and started to walk away from the scene. he stared up at the sky, taking in a shaky breath. 

“let’s just get out of here.” he whispered. 

 

the scenery morphed into a diner, the loud chatter of the customers joining it. both boys found themselves sitting in a booth with lance and a girl.  keith wasn’t sure, but he was sure he saw the real lance blush as he realised what memory they had entered. 

 

“this is uh,” lance cleared his throat. “this is my first date.”

keith glanced over at the girl. she was clearly bored, but by the looks of it, memory lance hadn’t noticed. 

 

_“whatever luke,” she mumbled, playing with the straw in her milkshake._

_“it’s lance, actually.”_

 

“this is sabrina. my uh, my crush for three years, my girlfriend for three days.” keith couldn’t help but laugh. lance, the guy that flirted with anything that could walk couldn’t keep a girlfriend for longer than three days. 

“don’t laugh.” he said, a slight tone of sadness wavering in his voice. 

 

_“_ i _have to go” the girl said, not even bothering to give lance an excuse. lance slumped back in his chair, his smile slowly fading. without a word, he placed a 10 dollar note on the table and left the building, as if nothing ever happened._

 

“you can’t tell, but that part killed me when i was fifteen.” the real lance said. he played with a serviette left on the table, slowly ripping it into pieces. keith wanted to go over and tell him it wasn’t his fault. he wanted to tell him the girl was just mean and not right for him. he wanted to tell him that he would never do that to him. 

 

“you would what?” lance said, suddenly confused. keith realised he’d accidentally mumbled that last line out loud. 

“what?” keith said, trying to play it cool

“nothing, don’t worry.”

 

the scenery morphed once again, this time into a place keith knew well, the garrison. lance had placed the two inside the cafeteria, lance eating with hunk and pidge. 

 

 keith looked over at the trio next to them. their laughs dominated most of the dialogue around the room, which now that he thinks of it, got pretty annoying sometimes. 

 

he found his eyes fall onto the lance in the memory. he noted the way his hair was completely messed up but still looked, good? he watched the way his smile lit up his entire face, creating creases on the sides of his eyelids. 

 

“ _i can’t wait for tomorrow.” lance exclaimed, shoving a forkful of peas into his mouth. “i haven’t seen mum and dad in ages.”_

“this was lunch the day we found the blue lion.” he whispered. “i was so close. i was so close to seeing them again and i just, didn’t.” lance sighed, sitting himself down at an empty table. he tapped his foot rhythmically, watching himself laugh along with the others. 

 

“ _you know who i miss though? keith. man, keith was amazing at all this stuff, even if he did have a stupid mullet.” memory lance jabbered._

keith stares at the conversation, did lance really talk about him like that? he was sure the boy had always despised him. maybe not. 

“we should, um, get back to the ship.” lance muttered, obviously aware that keith had heard his comment. keith nodded in reply, taking a step towards lance. 

 

suddenly they were back on the observation deck, the smell of metal and cleaning products washing over them. It took a minute for them to hear the blaring sounds of the alarm, allura’s panicked voice yelling through the speakers. 

“mierda.” lance swore, grabbing keiths arm as he ran out the door. he looked down at keith, realising what he’d just done. letting go of keiths arm, he smiled a soft thankyou and ran off to his lion, leaving keith in the hallway. 

 

“keith?” bellowed shiro. “why aren’t you at your lion? we need you. are you blushing?” 

keith brought a hand to his cheeks, feeling the heat that they radiated. 

“no,” he mumbled, pushing past shiro. 

 

why would he be blushing? there were no possible reasons for it to be happening. no reason at all. 

 

except maybe it could’ve been due to the lightning shocks that coursed through his veins when lance grabbed onto him. but no, it mustn't've be been that.  

 


	7. chap 7

**-lances pov-**

 

 

keith. 

 

just, _keith_. 

 

 

he remembered the feeling of being in keith's arms. he remembered the feeling of safety and warmth. he remembered how his arms were able to coax him out of his episode. even when lance had stopped hyperventilating, keiths arms were still wrapped around his body. he let lance just bury himself in his torso. he didn’t let go, unlike everyone else. he thought of the way he smiled when they eventually parted, a soft smile that unlike many others lance had received, was genuine. he thought of the that way keith had actually been interested in the reason behind his melancholy, and when he’d known, he tried to help. 

 

 

_soon he’ll see the real you and leave you_

 

_just like everyone else has_

 

 

**stop.**

 

 

_why would keith like you_

 

_why would he be friends with you_

 

_why would he want to be around you_

 

_leave him before he leaves you_

 

 

lance tugged at his hair as he shut his eyes. maybe his thoughts were right, maybe keith _would_ never like him. 

 

 

_you can’t stop yourself from insulting him_

 

_stupid_

_stupid_

_stupid_

 

 

lance shot up, storming over to the wall opposite his bed. he wanted to yell, scream out but he knew he couldn’t as the others could never know about the storms raging inside his brain. why would keith ever like him anyway? he was annoying, stupid, clingy, loud, anxious, a failure, and that was to just name a few. no wonder hunk and pidge stopped hanging out with him. he knew that no matter how much effort he put into a friendship, they would always find a reason to leave him. 

 

he stared at the blank wall infront of him, suddenly outstretching his arm and punching it hard. the anger coursing through his veins didn’t care for the pain shooting up his wrist, he just wanted more. 

 

 

_you’re even a danger to yourself. how could anyone ever love you?_

 

 

shaky breaths poured out of his mouth. he shut his eyes, trying to collect himself before he sauntered out of the room and towards the other paladins. 

 

maybe everything would turn out okay

 

 

—

 

 

the dining hall was loud, but that only added to lances frustration. the yelling seemed to counteract with his constant thoughts, which started to cause a headache. he tried to join in on the conversations, but was constantly cut off by others speaking over the top of him. 

 

 

_i told you so._

 

 

“hey guys, for keith, every bag of chips is family sized.” lance muttered, expecting no one to hear him. 

 

 

but that was the one thing to fall from his mouth that they heard. 

 

 

“what the fuck lance,” shiro spat out, the only one to reply. keith shot up, storming out of the hall.

 

“keith-“ lance yelled out, only to gain no reply from the boy. he looked back at the others, only to find them all staring right at him. 

“he’s crying lance,” pidge whispered, looking down at her food.

“go apologise to him _now._ ” bellowed coran. his voice shook the room somehow, which was only emphasised by him suddenly standing up. lance slowly stood up, dragging his body to the exit. he looked back at the others before he left, they were all staring at him. 

 

_good job lance._

_you really fucked it up this time._


	8. chap 8

lance knew he needed to go to keith's room and apologise, but his legs seemed to detour into his own room. every step in the wrong direction he regretted.

 

_oh well, just another regret to add to the list._

 

but when he entered his room, the mullet haired boy sitting on his bed made him jump in surprise. 

“jesus,” lance swore under his breath. he cleared his throat, trying to quickly gain the confidence to apologise to keith. 

 

just as lance was about to open his mouth again, keith looked up at him. his eyes were red and puffy, hair sticking out in weird places. 

“you’re a fucking dick lance,” he mumbled, wiping away a stray tear. “i thought that you were my friend. i thought that you liked me. i thought that i had actually found someone that gave a shit about me. but no, you decided to pick on the fucking orphan, and that lance, is the dickest move of them all.” he stood up, just a fraction shorter than lance. lance wanted to reply, he wanted to tell keith how he couldn’t stop thinking of him. he wanted to tell keith about the thoughts that plagued his mind and made him want to scream into the void of space. 

 

but he couldn’t. 

 

he just, cried. 

 

“i’m sorry, im sorry, i’m so sorry,” he repeated, falling into keiths shoulder. “i can’t help it. i’m sorry, I'm sorry I'm a faliure.” keith's arms wrapped themselves around lances torso, allowing him to cry harder into his shoulder. “i just love you,”

 

lance froze, realising what he said. 

 

why did he say that? he’d never even had the thought before. 

 

but maybe it was true

 

“what?” keith exclaimed, pulling out of the hug. 

“nothing. it doesn’t matter.” lance took a step back, wondering if he should run away. 

“no, it does. what did you say?” keith took a step forward, not letting lance increase the amount of space between them. 

“nothing! it doesn’t matter.”

“why.” both of their voices had grown into yells, intimidating the other dramatically. 

 

lance paused, taking in a deep breath before he muttered the next line. 

 

“because you’d never love me back.”

 

he stared at the ground, certain that he wouldn’t be able to handle seeing keith's reaction. 

“lance-“

“not after the way i treated you,” lance interrupted, knowing that whatever keith was going to say would be negative

“i-“

“i don’t deserve you.”

“lance-“

“im just a stupid cuban boy and-“

“lance!” keith yelled, grabbing lance by his shoulders. lance looked up at him, fresh tears growing in his eyes. 

“what,” he sniffled. 

 

that’s when keith did it. 

 

that’s when keith grabbed lances chin and smashed his lips onto his. 

 

that’s when keith put a hand through lances hair to pull him closer into him. 

 

keith

 

lance broke off first, entirely unsure of what the hell just happened. 

“you’re not a stupid cuban boy,” keith mumbled, wiping his lips with the sleeve of his jacket. 

“but i said all those mean things,” 

keith shrugged it off, sitting back down on lances bed. 

“im tired,” he said, yawning for emphasis. “do you mind if i sleep here tonight?”

 

lance had never agreed to something so quickly in his life. 

 

—

 

“i’m sorry,” lance whispered once again. he turned to face the pale boy lying next to him, “i guess, i just get so anxious i just vomit out these words and i don’t even realise that they’re out until it’s too late.”

“it’s okay,” keith whispered, staring right back at lance. 

“i’m just scared,” it was barely a whisper, lance was surprised that keith heard it. 

“scared?” keith inched closer to lance, placing his hand in his. 

“it’s stupid,” lance looked away. keith smiled, rubbing his thumb against lance as if he was urging him to tell him everything. “i just - i’m just scared that someone will see me how i see myself and leave me.” they both lay in silence, lance praying that keith wouldn’t notice his voice choking up at the end of his sentence. 

“i think you’re as cool as a cucumber,” keith mumbled. lance erupted in laughter, something he hadn’t done in a long time. 

“really?” lance asked, his voice sincere. 

“really, and i promise that i won’t leave you. ever.”

 

—

 

 

when he awoke, dread came over him as the boy he had fallen asleep spooning had been replaced by a pillow. 

 

 

_he only felt pity for you_

 

_do you really think that he wanted to be with you?_

 

_of_ course _he ran away._

 

_who wouldn’t?_

 

 

he slapped his forehead, only becoming more unsettled as the thoughts became quicker. 

 

 

_stupid. stupid. stupid._

 

“go away,” he mumbled, making sure no one would hear him. but then again, who would care enough to check up on him if they heard him screaming at the thoughts rampaging through his mind?

 

 

_not keith, that’s for sure._

 

“keith cares about me,” he choked, wanting nothing more than to drive the thoughts away.

 

 

_if he cares, then where is he?_

 

“stop.”

 

his hands laced through his hair once more, tugging at the roots in hope that the pain would distract him from his brain. his breaths became heavy, eyes blurring from his tears. 

“no. no. no.” he repeated, his body rocking back and forth. his mind played replayed scenes of every time he said something negative towards keith. 

 

 

_can’t you see? you stupid boy._

 

_you’re always going to be alone_

 

_you stupid, stupid boy._

 

 

his hands slammed the sides of his head, tears now flying everywhere. 

“stop!” he yelled, crouching into a fetal position. 

 

“lance?” 

lance didn’t stop. he imagined the voice. no one cares about him. 

 

“lance,”

stupid, stupid brain. 

 

“lance!” 

he looked up. a familiar figure stood in his doorway, now running towards him. 

 

“hunk?” he choked out, uncurling his body. he didn’t know why, but tears fell faster. 

 

“lance, it’s okay.” he wrapped his big arms around lance in an effort to comfort him. 

 

“it’s not. keith left me and i c-can’t be alone, i-i need him-“‘

 

“pidge needs to tell you something.”

 

“i need keith and he’s gone. i can’t do this without him. i can’t be without him.”

 

“lance?” came a third voice. lance looked up, 

 

 

keith

 

 

he leapt out of hunks arms, practically flying into keith. 

“keith,” the waterworks started again, he practically was clinging onto keith for dear life. “i thought you’d left me. i thought you were-“

“lance, i would never leave you. you mean too much to me-“

 

suddenly keith stopped talking, his body falling limp as a bang echoed through the room. lance looked up to see the culprit standing in the hallway, his gun still aimed at keith. 

 

 

hunk

 

 

 

 

 


	9. chap 9

he grabbed his bayard instantly, following hunk down the hall. anger coursed through his veins. keith was the only thing going through his mind. the image of his lifeless body clung onto him, his scream that sounded the moment he realised blasting through his mind. 

 

he pulled up his bayard, pulling the trigger as soon as he had a perfect shot at his target. 

 

lance didn’t feel anything as he watched hunks lifeless body crash onto the ground. he just stared as his eyelids fluttered closed and his limbs relaxed. 

 

that was until he felt a hand fall onto his shoulder. 

“what the fuck lance.” yelled the familiar gravelly voice. 

 

no,

 

it couldn’t be. 

 

instantly, lance turned around to face the person he prayed wouldn’t be there. 

“keith?” he spluttered. confusion washed over him, “but y-you’re dead. h-h-hunk shot you!” the tears came down again, sudden regret taking over. 

 

“no?” keith looked just as confused as lance felt, “i hugged you and then you just started screaming and crying hysterically then hunk said something about needing to tell pidge something immediately and then you-“ he couldn’t bring himself to say the last two words. 

“shot hunk,” lance paused, his body stiffening, “i shot hunk.”

“it’ll be okay, we have healing pods, right? we’ll just chuck him in there. everything will be alright.”

“nothing will ever be right. as long as i'm up here and not done on earth, nothing will be okay.”

 

quick footsteps sounded down the hallway. 

“lance!” pidge panted, “the machine, you have to stop using it. something went wrong and it send chemicals into your brain that have similar effects to the smoking of marijuana, well, the bad ones. you need to tell me if you start to experience these. they include anxious thoughts, irritability and-“ 

 

she stopped, tears filling her eyes. 

 

she saw her best friend lying dead on the cold, metal floor. 

 

“-hallucinations.” she whispered, racing over to the body. “i’m sorry hunk, im so sorry. it’s all my fault. the machine. it’s my fault.” she wailed, falling onto his back. 

 

lance stood there frozen. pidge may have stated that it was her fault, but he knew that in the end it was his doing, his fault. 

 

 

_it always is_

 

 

“we need to get him to a pod,” keith growled, the only one in the hallway that was able to put two words together. lance nodded through tears, running over to help keith take him. 

 

“what the fuck are you doing.” pidge snarled, staring at him with malice burning in her eyes. 

“i need to-“ he tried to choke out, gesturing the rest of his actions. 

“you’ve done enough.” she hissed, trying to drag his body on her own. 

“pidge, this isn’t you talking, it’s the machine-“

“don’t ever speak to me again lance. ever.” 

 

he turned away, his walk quickly turning into a sprint. 

 

he needed to get to blue 

 

he needed to go home

 

no one wanted him here. all he did was mess up. 

 

—

 

he didn't rake notice of the yells from keith that followed him down the hallway. they begged him to stop, they told him that everyone would be okay. 

 

but how could things be okay if he was there? he was just a bomb waiting to explode. 

 

why couldn’t keith get that?

 

“lance!” keith yelled once more, this time slamming his hand on lances shoulder. 

“you guys don’t need me!” lance yelled, trying to slip out of keiths grasp. “i mess everything up. i shot _hunk_ for fucks sake, my best friend.”

 

that’s when the reality of the situation seemed to seep into lances mind, weighing him down more than any thought ever did. 

“i shot hunk.” he whispered, falling onto the floor. “i shot hunk.” he looked into keiths eyes, sure he was going to tell him off

 

“it’s okay, we have healing pods.” keith replied, pulling lance into a tight hug. “everything will be okay.”

“but what’s he going to think when he gets out? he’s never going to look at me he same way. i’ll always be known and lance, the fucking mentally unstable one. the one that shot him for a reason that didn’t even happen to be real-“ his words were cut off by tears, falling onto keiths shoulder. “keith,” he paused, looking up at the boy, “is this even real? am i here? wh-what if i’m just dreaming o-or i’m still on that machine. how do i know that you’re real? how do i know that i’m here.”

 

his breaths became heavy, he knew exactly what was about to happen. 

 

the world would feel like it was squeezing around him. the thoughts would pummel against his brain, making him almost rip his hair out. the tears would turn his eyes to the colour of blood, emphasising the blue in his eyes. 

 

but the more he thought about the fact he didn’t want it to happen, the worse it was. 

 

that’s how it always happened. 

 

he tried to speak to keith, but the hyperventilation stopped any words escaping. 

 

 

_great job lance. you couldn’t even make it home._

 

“sh-shut up.” he yelled, pushing his head into keiths shoulder. he gripped keiths jacket, wailing noises erupting from his mouth. 

 

keith only wrapped his arms around the boy harder, knowing that there was nothing he could say that would help him, he could only cradle him in his arms. 


	10. chap 10

2 days

48 hours 

2880 minutes

172800 seconds

 

that’s how long lance had been sitting there watching hunk. each minute only made his body sink deeper into the pool of guilt. 

 

_if you weren’t here hunk would be alive and healthy_

 

for all 48 hours, he hadn’t moved from that spot in front of the pod. he'd rejected all meals keith had offered, even keith himself at most times. but keith was good, keith understood. fatigue begged his eyes to shut, dragging his eyelids down with the pleas. he wanted to run up to allura and scream at her in wonder why he hell he was still asleep, why altean magic wasn’t as powerful as it should be. 

 

but he knew allura wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge him. 

 

no one did

 

except keith. 

 

_pidge understood your motive and she still won’t face you. you stupid boy_

 

he tried to tell his thoughts that keith cared, keith was all that mattered. 

 

but where _was_ keith

 

he was gone. 

 

all because of lance. 

 

_great job lance_

 

he needed to throw something, the urge unbearable. standing up, he stormed to the edge of the room and picked up some metal device coran had left there. just as he was about to throw it, he witnessed the big man starting to walk out of the pod. 

“hunk?” he exclaimed, rushing over to the boy. 

 

this was it, this was his chance to apologise. 

 

“hunk,” he repeated, going in for a hug. 

 

but the boy stepped back, his eyes full of malice. 

“going to hurt me again are you,” he growled, looking at the object lance still held in his hand. 

“what? no.” lance objected, he knew what was coming next. it always happened. 

 

hunk pushed past the boy, completely failing to acknowledge his effort. 

 

“i’m sorry,” lance yelled, but it was too late. 

 

—

 

he didn’t know why he was avoiding keith, but he did know that he needed to get back to blue and haul himself back to earth. it was the only solution. he’d made sure that keith was in with the others, all making sure hunk was okay. it’s not like any of them would miss him. 

 

_especially keith_

 

out of everything that lance had discovered from this whole situation, there was only one thing he deemed useful. it was easiest to agree with his thoughts rather than fight with them. 

 

 

“lance!”

 

no, not keith. not right now. 

 

“lance,” 

 

he looked back at keith for only a second before he started to sprint towards his lion. 

 

“lance i swear to fucking god if you don’t get your skinny ass back here-“ keith yelled out, stopping when he realised that lance wasn’t listening. “look, you told me that you were scared that everyone will leave you, i get that, but you can’t leave me and then blame me for leaving you. i told you i was never going to leave you, and i fucking won’t, i care about you too much to just let you slip out of my fingers like that. i’ve lost everyone in my life, my mum left me, i don’t even remember having a dad, let alone siblings. you’re the first person that i’ve ever met that feels remotely like a home. so no lance, i’m not going to fucking let you leave because i need you.” keith panted, the whole ordeal making him out of breath. lance stopped in his tracks, turning to face the boy once more. 

“im sorry,” he whispered, “im just not meant to be a paladin.” 

“don’t say that. you’re the team's sharpshooter, the paladin of the blue lion. blue chose you. do you know how many people there are in this universe? how many aliens there are? and blue chose you out of all of them. this wasn’t some mistake. you were meant to be a paladin.”

“but i just mess up-“

“who fucking cares? nodbody is perfect. even shiro gets us in messy situations sometimes, and he’s our leader. and you know what? the only reason people didn’t fully understand the whole hunk thing was because they were in shock, soon it’ll die down and everything will be okay. i promise.”

 

lance ran to keith, wrapping his arms around his body, completely surprising keith. 

“i love you,” he whispered

“i love you too,” keith replied

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowie so that's the end.
> 
> i'm sorry it was so angsty, i needed to let some stuff out i guess.
> 
> if you wanna find me on social media, you can follow these:  
> twitter: capsicalumhood  
> instagram: pidgesgameflux, clare._.jones and mcnugnugs  
> tumblr: pidgesgameflux and mcnugnugs
> 
> remember to leave kudo's n comments!!


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